I don't know where I'm going. All I feel like doing is being in constant prayer because I feel so negative when I'm out in the world and around people. I can't help but be when people rub their success in my face and then treat it like something it's just a go an do thing... as well, it is... but it also involves the opportunity and what GOD wants for me, not what PEOPLE want for me. It is hard to be in the company of so many people who are only frustrated with me because of the way I am. It is my fault I am the way I am and if I wasn't so unmotivated I would do something. Where's my motivation? I don't have anything at all that is motivating me to do anything... I feel like sometimes God has set me up to be a lesson to those who think they have no future...show them what no future is like...but would God give up such talent? No, only I would. Apparently, I'm a capable person. So why don't I do anything? My situation? Yeah, I let it control me. My emotions? Yup, they rule over me a lot... is this wrong? YES, it's wrong. Am I changing? No... not necessarily to be deliberate but because I feel no purpose or anything... and after the prayer-mind that I keep all day hoping I don't sin any little bit and hoping I can just do things right or hoping that I will wake up somehow more handsome than the day before or hoping that I'll wake up with SOME ENERGY or hoping I'll wake up and Dad will be okay and wake up hoping that something spectacular has happened to disrupt my life somehow in some way so that I don't live this redundant life that seems to be a self-inflicted lie. I have people with their own agendas about me... but I have no agenda that I feel. If God is trying to tell me something through all of those people, then why isn't He allowing me to simply feel it?? Why do I ask for no negativity and yet it comes back? Why do I beg that my feelings for someone be taken away if it's not His Will for me and yet they stay there growing stronger only because my mind is so broad??? What happened to the opportunity that everyone seems so born with....
But then again, the life I have been given is not bad at all. I live relatively comfortably in comparison... but life doesn't matter at all compared to opportunity. It's a lukewarm life where nothing seems to be changing or different and it all just seems like a show I put on everday...the thing I most despise about a normal day job is the repetitiveness and the closeminded-ness of the people around me that so easily bring out the negative in me when I try very hard to be positive. It's always people looking at me saying I have a bad attitude and I'm just not doing what I should when the example around me reflects that. My heart reflects my surroundings - like a reptile my body changes to meet the conditions and also like a reptile, it can hurt me without the relief of that cooler water!! Maybe I would like to walk on that water instead. Tread it - Keep my eyes on Jesus and never let go. But I have such a problem with being able to do that... I do not blame my only recently received salvation on that... I blame my lack of faith even after a year. A YEAR of being saved. I felt 6 months into that that I had grown so much and now I feel I have fallen even farther from it... but I only feel that relative, for I know that He will never let go of me. My perception often kills me... but if it weren't for my reality, then wouldn't I not perceive what I do witness?? I feel like i"m growing tired of life at the early age of 18...probably something that is a normal occurrence and people just have failed to tell me that one; on account of my lack of inquisitiveness though... It all comes back to me. In this life, is there anything for which I am not responsible? Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you're the reason things happen.. 9 out of 10 times, my answer turns out to be yes through a simple logic I have created on my own. That means the logic is probably biased negatively and it's probably inaccurate..sure I can read The Bible and try to stay right ... but that just seems... so redundant. IS a relationship really that redundant? It shouldn't be...sometimes we make our relationships with people redundant because it keeps us in a comfort zone... an area we just don't feel like leaving...sometimes I feel like that with God ...and yet how ironic it is God makes me most uncomfortable in my comfort zones. Deep down inside.. I should be doing something else. Yet, the desire has escaped me. The only reason I can possibly imagine for that is the devil is trying to convince me that whatever I do there is no way... there is no way... there is no way...
WELL THERE IS A WAY and I'm going to find it!! It's not about what people tell me anymore... it's me and God. Praying fervently for a simple yes or no when I need an answer.. anything that will lead me. I want to seek only God... it's so very hard with all the distractions...which are everywhere. At this moment I have on music..although Christian music, it really is doing no glory or right to God!!! Just because it's Christian music, it doesn't mean that it is glorifying God... at this point it is distracting me...attracting me to that and keeping me away from my quiet times and my Bible and the like... Or updating my website all the time...or eating excessively or working out excessively or even practicing drums in my room excessively which I have such a desire to be the BEST AT!! If you know Tony Royster Jr., the young prodigy drummer.. then you know what it must take to be the best!! *Less than 12 years anyway* - But a lot of work.... but that's a distraction from God as well. Everything worldy is a distraction and I can't help but focus on the fact that it is distracting instead of what is pointing to God... my life, my air, my health, my body, my achievements, my anything.. nothing without God. HOW DO I LIVE A LIFE WHERE I KNOW GOD RULES IT AND YET STILL FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO USE MY ABILITIES PROPERLY... AND TO KNOW THAT I'M TRYING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT WITH A CERTAIN SOUL WHO WILL HAVE NO TRUST IN ME ANYMORE BECAUSE I WAS OVERZEALOUS ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP... all of this can be erased by forgiveness..ironically enough we seek forgiveness from our peers rather than God sometimes...only because of our lack of faith that God has the ability to forgive us. If we have that lack of faith, we aren't even saved. Isn't that interesting??? But, that is only a passing thought... my faith in God I do not doubt or I would not feel so uncomfortable and stressed out and just... ripped between God and ..whatever else is pulling me which I really have no idea what it is!! My emotions... - Blessed with the ability to feel everything and to feel other people, unfortunately it is also a gateway for my lack of faith to allow the devil to turn all my feelings negative and neutral and I allow the devil to do that in my anger which feeds it... I can't let it win, though. IT doesn't win when it coems to God, it only makes us think it's going to win, which brings it closer to victory in itself. I have life. ONLY ON ACCOUNT OF GOD. He used 3 people... 3 people that I hold highest in my respects... to save my life. My PHYSICAL life. They will get their reward in Heaven for that...and it is those same 3 people that are on my mind in such a way that i'm always worrying and always seeing if I got a new e-mail or always wondering whta's on their mind or how thingss are with them... when I should be praying and giving it all to God. All my life I've been a self-sufficient person and haven't known any other way - and now i've hit the other side of the scale where I don't think I could live without anyone or anything..especially those 3 people. I need to find a middle ground where God is the focus. He can't be just be in every corner... which is more than a lot of people put him on actually... He's on the corner of my every page of my life story - but He needs to be directly in the center, big and bold, right there where you can't miss Him. His presence should bring a smile of joy, NOT CONTENTMENT, to my face. That is what I hope I can achieve through God...
I guess this is an unsubtle way of saying I don't really have much time for this webpage.. as you can probably see by the difference in days that I usually update this... All I can ask is that you are in prayer for me. I don't want e-mails or suggestions... I just want prayer. God is what I need, not some crazy sympathy.. MY LIFE IS NOT BAD. It is only my perception sometimes. There...there's my statement. Maybe it'll change...I am a moody person, ya know..
Sekai de bokura wa Kami hodo uwareru yo.